well here it goes….
Before I got pregnant with my beautiful baby boy Ethan I SUFFERED from depression. I remember my senior year in high school I was so unhappy with my social & “popular” life that I became so depressed. I slept A-LOT! as soon as I’d get home from school around lunch time I’d fall asleep for hours instead of having energy. I wouldn’t eat much. Just enough to survive. I didn’t have an urge to eat, but because I slept so much that took away any physical needs I had. I ended up losing so much weight that a rumor started about me that I did cocaine to lose weight. I remember baseball players coming up to me asking to get “coke” from me and I was sooo confused. Yup, I ended up finding out that that’s how people thought I got so skinny. I don’t know whats worse losing weight from drugs or depression? either is horrible & no one really knew what was going on inside of me. So this is where it started, it continues..
shortly after high school I got pregnant from my on and off boyfriend Eric. Jeeze was that a shocker since I was birth control queen! I think that was a cinco de mayo, tequila, drunken night. If I’m correct. Rewind- before getting preggo I masked my depression with lots of alcohol & later on weed. I used to go to school with vodka in my water bottles. I used to be the girl at the party drinking SHOTTS until I puked, cried or faught someone. (for real) this is sad. I remember my boyfriend Eric taking care of me all the time after parties. This lifestyle of mine went on for about 2-3 years. It gets so bad that I drove drunk to a job orientation at supermex and no one at work knew. I was literally risking my life everyday! for attention? I had no idea at the time. My craziness led to suicide thoughts, running away and acting loca. I had a very dark season to the point I’d think of different ways to not be here on earth anymore. I cut myself till one day…. my boyfriend Eric called the cops on me. I actually don’t even think he was my boyfriend at the time. But he was sure sick of me threatening my life, or hearing that I was hurting myself. so attention was what I wanted? well I got it. fire trucks, police, ambulance showed up at my house. Scary part was I was all alone and heard these sirens thinking Eric didn’t call anyone. That he was lying to me. but sure enough they came. How embarrassing because I realized this was not the attention I wanted. They made their professional decision to take me away for a while and get some help. I ended up getting treatment and without medication I began to heal. I felt horrible for the way I was acting because to see my parents realize I had something going on with me was really horrible, I didn’t want to put my loved ones through my dark season. At the time this all seemed awful but I look back and realize this is part of my story to getting SAVED- literally.
so back to me getting pregnant..
Eric and I both found out together that we were expecting. I remember freaking out, crying, being angry & having so many emotions. Erics only emotions was “let’s do this! we’re doing this! your dong this Jess, we’ve got this”. And I thought he was crazy! Hello! does he not remember that I’m loca Jessica. The crazy girl that’s had issues and he wants me to have a baby and be a mom? Hello, I’m not even a good girlfriend. So after thinking about this season to come we decided “lets do it!” Who knew having Ethan would open my eyes, change my life and soon I’d meet Jesus.
For those of you asking I was very healthy while pregnant. No drinking, smoking, dark thoughts, I was finally in the process of healing. Ethan was born December 2011. Did I think having this little of family of mine was going to fix my life? maybe..
4 months later I came to conclusion my depression was back. My relationship with Eric was not good. I was tired, hurt, angry and still holding onto my past. I desperately wanted to be free from this darkness. Others around me could either tell I was hurting or God just magically used them to keep inviting me to church. Not having a background in church made me think it was a joke, it wouldn’t help and I didn’t need it. Sooner or later I went to church (cottonwood). There it was when I met my Savior. My true healer, My Father. I continued to go back because God spoke to me that night. At this place they had something for me. It was like when your dehydrated and you get a little water, you end up wanting to chug the whole water bottle. That was me, I got a little taste and wanted it all! So I dove right in, hard-core; gave my life to God. I had nothing to lose right? I mean all the other things I was running to wasn’t working.
Its been 5 years of being saved and knowing God. Goodness I was lost for so long and he caught me before I really fell. I think the reason why I take my salvation, my walk with God so preciously is because I know where I came from. He had so much grace for me, forgave me and washed me clean. Trust me I was FILTHY/ DISGUSTING. But he looked at me as His, His glory, His child and perfect in His image. So this is my story. Its pretty intense, pretty hard-core but at least God delivered me from the darkness. I think the source of my lifestyle was number one NOT having God in my life. I tried doing everything on my own. I did not have a support system. Because I chose to deal with things on my own. I acted as if I could save myself. I didn’t know how to deal with life. Especially the bad times life throws at you. I covered it up with worldly things. Things that DON’T HEAL! Oh my God, He is so good. If my story shocks you, scares you. Well I’m okay with that because how else would you know HOW REAL GOD IS. Not everyone’s story is fairy tales and butterflies. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to desperately need Him, see Him and feel him.
another amazing part of this testimony is after I got saved, my family saw my life changing before their eyes and now everyone in my home is saved. I’ve been so lucky to be able to raise my Son in Gods word and with Gods help. He is the most precious gift God has ever given me. Ethan is such a blessing. He is part of my story, he is a huge part of me reaching out to hold Gods hand and needing Jesus in my life. I ended up marring my on and off boyfriend Eric from high school. Member the guy that called to get me help… well he did help. That was a blessing in disguise. Guess what happened? We put God at the center of our relationship and became so in love with each other. We became healthy together. We pretty much started fresh as new creations and put God at the center of our relationship. We didn’t just work it out for Ethan, we really wanted to be in each others lives. We have so much love for each other, we have crazy history together. But mostly we wanted to make great memories and live life together forever. So guess what guys, God spoke to Eric and told him to put a ring on it.
Do you not see how good God is as soon as I let him in? family being saved, healthy relationships, joy, love, peace, healing!!!!! hallelujah, God is so amazing. I pray he comes into your life and throws your world right side up. ALL GLORY TO GOD FOR SAVING ME AND MY FAMILY. FOR CHANGING MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER. I COULDNT DO IT ALONE.